My mission is to help you conquer second-wife syndrome for good.....So you can stop wrestling and start investing your time, money and energy into your dreams.
Graceful Solutions: Navigating Conflicts with Christian Wisdom #217
Jen RogersHost00:00
Divorce is messy. When I sat in the witness box staring out at a number of people in the courtroom whom I didn't know, nerves had me squirming a bit on the wooden seat. I smoothed my skirt, crossed my legs and snagged my penny-hose with the buckle for my pretty black shoe.
My lawyer, Mary, had rehearsed my lines with me in the tiny room just off the courtroom moments before we entered. I knew what she would ask. When the questions came, I answered quickly and succinctly. The majority of questions are mostly a blur for me now. Yet when Mary asked do you believe your marriage is irreconcilable? I paused.
Irreconcilable differences is a no-fault divorce. In the eyes of the law, no person needs to be at fault or have done something wrong an affair or betrayal, for example to prove that the marriage should end. The reason can simply be that a couple can no longer get along.
That's laughable to me. Of course I did something wrong, a lot of somethings. Of course my ex did something wrong. We were two persons very much at fault with a disastrous marriage of 21 years, a mountain of debt and two kids who were young adults witnessing the demise.
We definitely had irreconcilable differences and we were both very much at fault. Mary asked, “Do you believe your marriage is irreconcilable?”
The question hung in the air.
I couldn't possibly know what my future held, but I knew my words could and would change my life forever.
Yes, my husband and I have irreconcilable differences. My soon-to-be ex-husband never heard the words. He wasn't in the courtroom.
Does it feel like you're experiencing irreconcilable differences within your family right now? Are you at the end of the proverbial rope?
02:09
Then today's episode is Medicine for your Soul, sweet friend. We'll talk about a collaborative approach to diffusing conflict. Whether you're proactively seeking to resolve tension with your man, curfew fights with your teen or helping your littles put away their toys without too much fussing, I'll share six steps you can practice to create harmony in your home, despite your differences inside your own home.
No lawyer is required.
By the end of today's episode, number 217 of the Empowered Stepmom podcast, you'll have the know-how and the confidence to manage conflict in empowering ways for your family. In this podcast, I'll teach you how to stop chasing perfection, identify boundaries that work for you, communicate effectively with your husband even when you disagree, co-parent successfully and gain wisdom on dealing with difficult in-laws, outlaws and exes.
And, of course, I will teach you how to embrace God's anointing of you as a stepmom. Hey there, I'm Jen Rogers, certified Professional Life Coach, podcast hostess with the mostest, and a woman on a mission to simplify your stepmom journey with strategies at work.
03:22
After my divorce, I never wanted to experience feeling voiceless in my home again. Remarrying with stepkids 10 years ago put me right back in what felt like a similar situation. I was so bothered by this. I felt somehow that I had been snookered that I should have known what was coming. The thing is, there's no way we can know. I was incredibly fearful of failing in my second marriage and struggling with what felt like a complete loss of control.
03:53
I'm not a fan of those favorite scriptural quotes spoken over you, as though they minimize the challenge that you face. You know, let go and let God. You can do all things through Christ, who strengthens you. So it's good, it'll all be good. That's not practical. God's word is practical and we are definitely practical here on this podcast. So I'm not a fan of those pet phrases spoken over us.
04:20
I am, however, curious about what's underneath the hood, so to speak. I am committed to seeking answers that work, and I know we need to stop striving in our own power and instead look for answers that have nothing to do with how we're feeling in the moment and everything to do with the women God is calling us to become, and I am excited to share with you how you can move from the thick of the ick in your stepmom journey to joy and peace in your home and having a confidence that you crave.
My mission is to help you conquer Second Wife Syndrome for good.
Each week, we'll explore common challenges and get curious about solutions that will work in our homes. While we are future focused, we'll also honor exactly where you are right now.
The most exciting thing about where you are, well, you're here in this nurturing space where you're ready to learn tactically how you can more fully embrace the anointing that God has gifted to you.
Do you know the most common expression women say after they acquire new tools for their stepmom journey? I wish I would have known how to handle all this conflict sooner, Jen.
05:31
Hey, you don't need to wait until you're on the brink of losing it all to move forward, to acquire the skills that you need. As you listen to each podcast episode, you are encouraged to take one small mini action step, because we get confident when we practice a new skill. The number one place to start practicing new skills is identifying boundaries, and that's why I've created this free resource just for you.
Hey, it's all about the boundaries. Sweet woman, go get the handbook at buildbetterboundaries.com . You'll not only get a beautiful handbook, you'll also get free training to guide you through the process so you can set yourself up for success. Listen, you can do this in less than 10 minutes a day. Are you willing? Are you willing to take action to resolve the conflict in your home? Start with building better boundaries. Head on over to buildbetterboundaries.com .
06:28
All right, let's get started with today's episode number 217, where we aren't just talking conflict resolution. We are really talking about how we can collaboratively problem solve, because when we work on the same team, when we collaborate together, everything gets easier. Because we have a unified purpose. We desire a common outcome. All right, let's get to it Collaborative problem solving. This is definitely biblical that we are working together. There are so many scriptural references that tell us how, what to do together, that we do life together, that we live in community together.
07:13
Okay, step number one it's obvious and important to identify, identify the problem. What is the specific thing that you want to talk about? Is it that you don't want to pay for the band uniform? Is it that you're struggling with some emotions of feeling lonely or left out? Is it that you want to go back to school and you're not exactly sure how you'll finance that? Identifying what the problem is. It's so important that we are specific, that we're not talking about all of the things that are frustrating us. No, we're focused on one issue, and that issue might be hey, the grandparents would like the kids to come and stay for the weekend and it's during our time. Are we okay with that? That's a problem, because you know that if you leave it on a dress, it's going to create some drama in your family. So the problem is hey, we don't have a plan in place for this and we want to have a conversation about it.
08:17
What's important here is that you both agree yes, this is the problem, and when we say a problem, gosh, I almost want to change the word. This is a challenge that we have that we need to have a plan in place for how we want to address it, so we don't suffer from decision fatigue, making the same decision over and over again as it comes up each time because you have not established a firm boundary. So identify what the problem is.
Let's say that the problem, the challenge that you're facing, is that the grandparents consistently ask for the grandkids to come over when it's your week and you don't know how you want to handle that, but you know you don't really like it. All right, step number two once you both agree that you have identified the problem this is the challenge then your brainstorm solutions.
09:11
One of the things that you can do is take out a sheet of paper and write down the worst-case scenario. Okay, the worst-case scenario is if you say yes or if you say no. If you say no, how much drama is involved? What's going to happen?
How is that going to impact the relationships? How are you going to feel about that? So think about what the worst case scenario is and once the two of you identify what it is, then come up with some solutions.
Just brainstorm, get curious, absolutely curious, and come up with ways that you could respond to the request. All right, so once you have your list, you have these things you say, okay, these are some options that we can do. Now. You might have brainstorm your list together, or each one of you has your own list. So just go through and share what your ideas are. For example, we can say once a quarter we're going to say yes, we'll let the grandparents know that. Hey, once a quarter, we know you want to spend time with them, because we know that relationship building with the grandparents is important. Even if we don't like them, we know it's important. So once a quarter you're going to say yes. This is really the two of you.
10:24
Moving on to step three, where you are evaluating the options. So you've brainstormed these ideas and now you're evaluating okay, is it feasible? Is it in alignment with what's important to us, what we know is good and important for the kids? So you'll weigh the pros and cons of each one of those ideas that you brainstorm and how they might impact your family. Okay, so let's say you've got a couple of options that rise to the top. So you had once a quarter. We'll say okay for the grandkids to go to the grandparents.
10:57
One of you may say actually, I think that's too much. I don't want to do once a quarter, I'd rather do once every six months. Look, we only get so much time with them. So once a quarter, I think it's too often. So you'll negotiate and you'll compromise, which is step number four. You're going to have a constructive conversation and be willing to compromise and maybe fall somewhere in between the two extremes. Again, this is something that takes time for the two of you to communicate. Hey, this is what's important to me, these are the concerns I have. So, even as you're going through this step number four of negotiating and compromising, you're still doing some of step number three, where you're evaluating as well in this conversation that you're having with one another.
11:47
Okay, so before we go on to step number five, number one, to recap, is identify the problem. Number two is to brainstorm solutions, and again, you can do this collectively together or you can do it on your own sheets of paper. And here's where I recommended that you do the worst case scenario and then brainstorm from there. So, identify the problem, brainstorm solutions and then evaluate the options what's really feasible here, what makes sense for our family? And then the two of you are doing step number four, where you're negotiating and you're compromising. Hey, once you get here, you are so close to being done because essentially, you're one step away from agreeing on the solution, and that's step number five. So you're saying, for our family, this makes the most sense. And here's the thing Oftentimes, when we make a decision, we think it's a for life, that it is one and done.
12:45
And sometimes that may be the case and other times not necessarily so. And that's why we move into step number six, where we implement and we follow up. So we're going to say, okay, we're going to communicate this to the grandparents, that, hey, we've set this up in our schedule because we want to foster a relationship with you and your grandkids and this is what seems to work best for us. So we're going to give it a whirl, we're going to put this solution into action and we're going to monitor it and we're going to have a conversation. We'll have a follow up conversation. Hey, do we like how this is going? Is this working for us? Maybe you might come back and say, well, we want to do more time. It's good for them to go, so maybe once a quarter isn't enough.
13:31
The idea here is that you're taking new information as you're implementing it and saying, okay, what do we think? Does this? Did it go the way that we thought it would go? Is this something that we like? How it's working for us? Remember that the most important thing the way to. What do I want to say? The best way to experience success in your marriage and in your blended family is to have unity, that you and your hunkahunkah, you and your man, you've got to be on the same page. Being on the same page does not mean that you agree on everything. It does mean that you've said, okay, we're going to take these six steps. So we're going to identify an area that's important to us, maybe a problem that we're having. We're going to brainstorm some solutions, we're going to evaluate what seems to make sense and then we're going to come to a compromise and say, okay, this is what we're going to move towards, and once you agree on, this is the solution for right now, then you'll implement and follow up.
14:36
One of the things that Bill and I do is we have family meetings. Now I'm just going to be straight up with you right here and say our family meetings have gotten a little off kilter since we've moved and downsized and are in a temporary spot. Things are a little cattywampus and we're giving ourselves grace for that. We know that we need this regularly scheduled meeting. In fact, the other day we were just talking about it. Well, I think I was maybe a little snarly. That probably was a little snarly. Hey, we need to talk about this. We need to take care of some things. This is stressing me out. Let's do something about it. So we do have some norms.
15:15
Life does happen, and whenever things come in and they disrupt a decision that we've made or a planned occurrence that happens pretty regularly we just need to look at it and say, hey, remember that thing, remember the date night that we said we were going to do every week? I've noticed the last couple of weeks we haven't done it and I know it's important for our relationship. So what do you say? Will you go out on a date with me? Let's go out and let's do date night together. It's really important that the two of you are intentional about your relationship, because when the two of you are unified, we know that that spills over to your family, that that is powerful for you managing your home, and you are. That's exactly what you are doing. You are managing your home. You don't have irreconcilable differences.
16:10
Okay, the idea here is to stay married. We married again because we knew that we didn't want to make the same mistakes we made previously. The way to avoid making the same mistakes is to be aware and alert and to practice new things. Listen, doing this blending families on your own is really tricky, and I don't know about you, but I never knew that there was any idea. I didn't have any idea that there was such a thing as a coach for step moms, and I'm telling you that they're a real thing. I am a real thing, I am a real person, I am a real coach and I love working with women so that they can reclaim the joy in their home, because it's no fun feeling like a fifth wheel every time you're in your home and your step kids are with you. It's not a way to live. It's not God's best for you. I would love to connect with you about what it would be like to create the life you crave through the power of coaching.
Head on over to https://www.stepfamilypodcast.com/workwithjen
I'd love to connect with you and be a part of your transformation story. Life coaching there's just nothing like it. And the thing is, the great thing is you are in the driver's seat. There's so much of you that's been hidden and buried because you've been under all the stress of blending families. Again, that's not God's best for you. Let's get God's best for you together, all right? Hey, I'm Jen Rogers. I love spending time with you.
17:46
Each week, we drop a new episode on Thursdays. That's going to do it for this week. And hey, you know what P-S. If you are new to the community, one welcome. If you're an OG, I love hosting you every single week, for sure. And if you're somewhere in the middle, welcome welcome. You are welcome here.
So if you have not yet joined us inside the Facebook group, I'm going to send you there. Join us inside the Facebook group to begin to build community. And if Facebook is not for you, totally cool.
18:16
One of the ways that you have power with your voice is to share the podcast. Will you take a moment and share today's episode with a friend? Or you can take a moment and leave a five-star review on your favorite platform, and if there's a platform out there that has 10 stars, I want 10 stars. Okay, I want 10 stars. Hey, be sure to let your voice be heard, whether it's through a review or sending us an email at friends@stepfamilypodcast.com . All right, that'll do it. I'll catch you next week. God bless you!
