#190 \\ 3 Things I Wish I Would Have Known Before I Remarried With Stepkids - A Stepmom's Perspective
Have you ever wondered how you play charades on a podcast? I did not wonder that until, well, just now as I'm recording this week's episode. How do you create word pictures? Since I cannot use my hand signals, which I'm using right now, as I'm talking to you, even though you cannot see, I can use words so we can create pictures. So when I think of this word, I'm going to say, I'm going to ask you to think about this thing and pay attention to what comes to your mind.
Are you ready? All right. Let's go! It's only one thing I know from time to, time. I throw off a bunch of things and ask you to think about them, but just this one thing. All right, let's do it.
When I say the word Swan. What do you think of?
I am really, really curious to know if you thought about a black Swan. Hey, a couple of years ago, I learned about the black Swan theory and a black Swan event. Have you ever heard of that? When you go to Wikipedia, you will read that the black Swan theory or the theory of black Swan events is a metaphor that describes an event that comes as a surprise, it has a major effect, and is often in appropriately rationalized after the fact, because there is a benefit of hindsight.
What does the black Swan theory have to do with stepfamilies? It their a black swan stepfamily? Well i think probably most of them, as I think about it because when we come together in our blended families it is a black swan event; because the events that happen after we say, "I do" they come as a surprise. They have some major effects and we try to rationalize them after the fact, after we have some more experience tucked underneath our tool belts.
So I am officially married into a blended family for a little bitty bit over nine years. And I would say I've been at it for about 10. And during this time there are a lot of tools that I now have in my tool belt that I did not have before. In today's episode, I will share three things. I wish I would have known before I said, "I do".
You are listening to The Empowered Stepmom podcast and you are here because you might be looking for a hammer or a screwdriver or something else to put into your tool belt, because it's feeling a little bit light right now. Well, you are exactly in the right place. I am Jen Rogers. I am your hostess with the mostest and I am so excited to kick off episode number 190.
Thank you for putting me into your earbuds today or playing me in the car as you're running errands. I am so, so grateful for you! If this is your first time in our community. Well, hello there. Welcome. Welcome, welcome. In addition to joining us listening on the podcast we invite you to join us inside the facebook community too. The links to do all that stuff is In the show notes all right Let's get to it.
Do you find yourself waking up each day with big ambitious goals only to feel less than and taken advantage of by your stepkids when they ignore you or disrespect you again, especially when they're teenagers?
Are you feeling like a woman who is stuck in solitary confinement? It's dark and you're trying to keep track of the days they go by so slowly. And as you look ahead, it seems so far off until you will get your life back again?
Are you experiencing the hurt and rejection from another biological parent?
Do you find yourself huddled under the blankets as you go to bed at night? Suppressing the urge to scream because no one understands how hard, lonely and confusing it is to be a stepmom?
Listen, if you are muffling your tears and fears in your pillow late at night, it is way past time for you to take back your power and not only take back your power, but to reclaim your joy. Hey, there I'm Jen, I'm a Stepmama just like you and I am a high achiever willing to invest in finding the right tools for the job so I can excel, not only in my stepmom role, but in every single thing that I do.
So on this podcast, we absolutely are going to eradicate those things that do not work well for us. Listen, the truth is we could save ourselves so much time if we just invested on the front end and said, okay, I'm actually going to go to stepmom school, if you will, and get trained.
Part of that training is listening to good teaching. And that's what you'll find here on the Empowered Stepmom podcast. I'm your host, Jen Rogers. And I am absolutely thrilled to be in the classroom right next to you. And the great thing about stepmom school is we can copy each other's homework! All right let's get to it! Let's learn together!
#190 3 things I wish I would have known
All right. What I'm going to do is take that black Swan theory and break it down into the three things I wish I had known before I said I do. then I'll offer up three solutions on what you can do right now to prevent these things from stealing your joy. All right. Are you ready? Let's rock and roll.
So to review a black Swan event is a metaphor that describes an event that comes as a surprise. It has a major effect. And it's often inappropriately rationalized after the fact, because there's the benefit of hindsight. So let's go to the beginning. It comes as a surprise. So here's what came as a surprise.
How clueless we were about the complexity of blending families. We both figured that because we had lived through so many mistakes in our first marriages, we would be so far ahead of the typical marital struggles. We did have premarital pastoral counseling, and we learned a few things about each other, and I appreciated that. However, we never had any conversations whatsoever about blending families and how we might feel about that and what the kids might think. And who we were dealing with in the process and where we were in the process, as far as custody schedules and all of those things, we didn't have conversations. Like where are the kids going to go to school? How often are they going to spend with you? How do you feel about becoming a stepdad? How do you feel about becoming a stepmom?
We didn't talk about any of that.
I do think part of the reason we didn't have these conversations is we didn't have the language. So just like I'm thinking about when I was in the military and all of the acronyms that we had for everything. It's the same in blended families. There is a lot of lingo that applies only once you step into the culture. So being inside of a blended family, all of a sudden you've got a whole new language to learn. So here's what I recommend. So you can avoid the level of cluelessness that bill and I experienced. And Hey, if you are already me deep into it, This will work for you too, because having conversations about what we feel and what we're experiencing and what we would like these are all. All ways for us to hold onto our power or to take it back so we can express ourselves so we can indeed also reclaim our joy. if you are thinking about. Blending families. If you're thinking about walking down the aisle or going to the courthouse to say I do, or having an outdoor wedding on a golf course, whatever it is that you were thinking of doing, get pre-marital coaching first. Now I can help you out with that in a couple of ways. One is I've created a fun free bingo game that's really 20 questions to ask yourself before you exchange those rings. you can check that out@stepfamilypodcast.com. Forward slash am I ready? A M I R E a D Y. And of course I'll have this and the other things I'll recommend to you in the show notes, when you go and download this bingo game, what is going to do is give you an opportunity to play a little bit with your Hunka Hunka and have a conversation about some of these things. And let me share, let me pull it up here on my screen and share a couple of the things that are inside of here that you can talk about. Ask yourself. Can I name this person's favorite thing to do? And am I willing to do it too? Or you could evaluate your common values. What common values do you share?
Or, you could ask, does my Hunka Hunka have a growth mindset? You might want to know whether or not he's fighting with his ex. Or you might want to know what kind of relationship they have and how do they co-parent together right now. So these are some of the many powerful questions that are inside this dating bingo freebie. So be sure to check it out at www.stepfamilypodcast.com/amiready because it will...it...Well, it will spark some conversation.
So you can Uplevel your awareness before you blend families, whatever you do. I highly highly recommend that you get coaching about blending your families together because it's so powerful. Now there are other options that you can take advantage of. There's also something else you can do. You can take, ready for it, here's an acronym the SYMBIS assessment. The SYMBIS assessment stands for save your marriage before it starts.
Doctors Les and Leslie Parrott have created this powerful scientific assessment. Bill and I both took it and we believed in it so much that we became facilitators.. it's not something you can do on your own you take the assessment on your own but you work with a coach, a facilitator who has been trained in sharing the results with you.
It is so enlightening the things that it brings to bear and again it gives you more words and more conversation opportunities for you to talk about what you want your future life to look like.
Let's think about this are you getting married to get re-divorced? Because if you are then really what's the point?!
If you're getting married to stay married then there's work you must do there is no... listen Uh I'm just going to give it to you straight there is work to do to stay married and when you are blending families there's a lot of extracurricular work that needs to be done that isn't part of a traditional Family. Blending is not for the faint of heart so buckle up buttercup it is a rough ride, but we can remove a lot of rocks in the road by doing things like premarital coaching.
Now if you're already in the thick of the ick, no worries! Coaching works if you have a growth mindset and you are willing to say i want to look ahead to my future that is the power of Coaching. If you are interested in coaching, whether it's for you and your Hunka Hunka to take these SYMBIS assessment, or working directly with me stepmom to stepmom, head on over to stepfamilypodcast.com/workwithjen.
All right. That covers the first element of the black Swan event that comes as a surprise. The next one up is it has a major effect. Well, when you blend families, it definitely has a major effect. I thought my experience raising my daughters, both of whom were out of the home when I remarried was my, I don't know, easy ticket to parenting. I survived two teenage girls. Wouldn't raising boys be much, much easier? And at that time, Steven and Nathan were 13 and nine. The fights we had. Oh, my word. They were the absolute worst. And they were always about the kids or about dealing with my stepson's mom. Our finances well they took a big honkin hit. We were regularly combating all the emotional and physical drain that come along with custody battles fighting over medical treatment fighting over medical bills and custody schedules. Who pays for the band uniform? Who's responsible for the extracurricular activities and getting them to and from? How do you coordinate scheduling appointments when they fall on the other parent's week or time that the kid is with you? It it was life changing I know that marriage is life changing Married with step-kids is life changing with a little extra oomph Thrown into it!
What can you do? What is the woman to do when she finds herself in this situation? Well, it does take two to tango. However, we also know that because we are women, we set the tone for what happens in our home. And when we have the confidence that we are on the right track. when we are willing to open ourselves up to new things and to explore new options and bring them to the table that fosters an environment of a willingness to learn.
So here's what I recommend. Understand what co-parenting means to your partner. What does it mean to you? How do you define co-parenting? Have you read the custody schedule? Are you aware of what is in that thing? Do you understand what it's going to mean for you? And I don't mean fully understand because we can't fully understand everything, but it would be good to have a conversation about it.
I know a lot of people say, okay, we're going to get together. And we're going to have a marriage covenant agreement where we're, we are going to come to an agreement before we get married about who gets, what, when in relation to our assets, because when you're dealing with a second marriage, you may have a business, for example, and you may have wanted your children to inherit your business, or maybe they're actively working in your business right now. That's a conversation to have upfront before you walk down the aisle.
So there isn't any confusion about what's happening with that business at that time, so that you can have the conversation about it because your kids are going to be wondering what's going to happen because everything shifts when you create a new family, whether or not you have littles, or you have adult children, your blending with someone else impacts your whole family.
Back to that understanding of co-parenting. And knowing what's in that custody agreement, whether you call it a custody agreement, a parenting plan or a court order. The one thing that's involved in there that isn't written in there is you. This is where stepmom's get so frustrated because we have a lot of responsibility that is put on us, but we have no authority. For example, we can have the responsibility of driving the kids to school, and we get a call that says, "Hey, the kids need to be picked up because they're not feeling well."
If we are not on the list of the people that are okay to pick up the children, we can not pick up the children. So that's a great example of responsibility with no authority. The thing about this responsibility and our role in co-parenting, our step-kids is the asset that is at stake here is our time. Time is the one resource that we simply cannot get back. And when we plan in advance of how we want to spend our time and how we want to co-parent together, well, we kind of, sort of create more time. We spend that time doing things that bring us joy instead of fighting over things.
When Bill and I fought, we didn't just lose the time that we were fighting. We lost the time after the time that we fought, because we had to have recovery time and we had to have repentance and forgiveness and worked through all of those emotions that were really weighing us down. Here is the sanctifying part of becoming a stepmom. You really do learn a lot of those, butt uglies that have been hidden in your heart that you thought maybe I licked that thing. Maybe I've improved in some areas. But when you are a stepmom, those things come back out and you are confronted with. Oh, my, what do I do with this emotion?
How can you reduce the inherent friction that comes with co-parenting? Well, again, it goes back to getting educated and yes, I have created something for that too. This is one of the biggest areas where couples struggle. They don't like their partner's parenting style. They actually don't agree with it. And it creates a lot of emotional turmoil because then you question, well, wait a minute. I love this guy, but I don't really like him right now, which is totally normal in marriage. Whether or not you have a stepfamily, but still let's save some of that. I don't like him right now and have these conversations upfront.
I strongly encourage you to carve out 90 minutes to sit down and work through a very powerful mini workshop about peaceful co-parenting. So get some peaceful parenting for step families, get some strategies so you can create harmony in your home, even if you're dealing with a toxic ex and you can find that at stepfamilypodcast.com/parentingworkshop .
Just like the earlier resource that I mentioned, I'll have this link in the show notes as well. If there's one thing that you could do to set yourself up for success when you blend families would you do it? This is that one thing! This peaceful parenting for stepfamilies, creating harmony in your home, it is so powerful it's 90 minutes and it's dirt cheap! I made it dirt cheap on purpose because I want to help you I actually want to save you years of struggling in your blended family.
By taking this workshop, it'll take you about 90 minutes. And you can do it with your hunka hunka just print off two workbooks. super super easy! Head on over to stepfamilypodcast.com/parentingworkshop and enroll in this mini workshop.
Let's wrap up today's episode with the third characteristic of the black Swan theory. It's that the event is often in appropriately rationalized after the fact because there's a benefit of hindsight.
How do we in appropriately rationalize things after the fact? Well, I think it boils down to this that we should have known. We use that word should remember, should and shame. They don't sound like they rhyme, but they pretty much mean the same thing in my book. So should have known. Listen, we don't know what we don't know.
And the whole premise of the Empowered Stepmom is to equip you with biblical principles so you can apply them in your blended families based on. Well, a lot of the mistakes that I made when I first blended families, I wish, I wish I wish that I would've known that there were things that I could learn in advance. And I just didn't know. And unfortunately I struggled for years and years. So here at the empowered stepmom I am committed to saving you years of hurt.
You don't need to struggle over the common stepfamily norms. Instead, you need to get equipped.
I'm going to be straight up with you here and say it is going to require you to make a powerful decision. And when we make powerful decisions, we feel powerful. When we make decisions aligned with our values, perhaps we value a peaceful, harmonious home. If we do, then we will take steps to create and maintain and grow harmony in our homes.
I've shared three things I wish I knew before I blended. And I've also shared two resources on where you can go so you can get equipped for blending your families, regardless of where you are on the journey. If you're still in that starry-eyed love affair and you have not yet been sucked into that black hole of chaos and confusion.
Congratulations. Get equipped now. You can be the energy force that prevents the level of suck into that black hole. Yes, you can. When you make the decision to get the Intel and to put into practice successful habits that will create harmony in your home. So let me offer you the third option. It's working together, whether it's one-on-one or in a group cohort, by the way, we have another group cohort starting in the next couple of weeks in October, the next intimate cohort begins.
So if you are interested in coming together and not doing this on your own. Then say yes to you head on over to www.stepfamilypodcast.com/workwithjen .
and let's connect over what the next best step is for you. I cannot wait to hear from you. Let me share with you one of my favorite things about coaching, whether I am the client or I'm working with a client. My most favorite thing is the power of asking good questions.
Listen, when we are stuck in the suck, it is very difficult for us to see beyond the pain that we are experiencing. And when you have a qualified professional coach come alongside you to coach you to work with you.to hold up the mirror so you can rediscover the beauty that's inside of you. It is so powerful and it is the most effective, fastest way for you to take back your power and reclaim your joy in your step family don't wait any longer.
This is your time sister, friend, And I cannot wait to talk with you.
Hey, if today's podcast blessed, you helped you encouraged you and gave you direction on your stepmom journey, would you please consider doing one of two things, sharing it with a friend or leaving a five star review on your favorite podcast app where you listen to today's episode.
I am so honored to connect with you, and I'm so thankful for you. And if you haven't joined us inside the Facebook community yet, We would love to see you on the inside. All right. Sweet sister, friend. God bless you. And please, please, please know that you are loved and you are cherished, and There are things that you can do to create real change, the change that you're craving. So you don't feel like a stranger in your own home. It all starts with one simple step head on over to step family podcast.com and get started. All right. I will catch you next week!
The Empowered Stepmom Podcast, with Empowerment Coach Jen Rogers, CPLC
