Episode: 130 \\ Are You Having a Stepmom Identity Crisis? 3 Tips on How to Survive Imposter Syndrome (aka Second Wife Syndrome)
(transcript - mostly correct! let's roll with it!)
(note - Remember! Ask yourself: Where is God at work right now?)
There were 8 of them. But only two of them would even be considered. We wanted a girl. In fact, only a girl would do. And…she needed to be chocolate.
Shortly after a difficult resign-firing in 2014, my hunka hunka and I, then dating, were sharing a glass of pinot on a teeny tiny balcony overlooking a busy part of a Houston downtown neighborhood. Sidebar story - After being invited to teach (really as an audition for an exciting opportunity) and then wined and dined for almost two years, I said yes to a job 900 miles South because I sensed God’s leading me there.
The timing was off..but I figured I was right to go. Bill and I had gotten serious quickly, but deep down, even though I knew he was the man I was to marry, I was afraid. Let me articulate that differently. I remember specifically saying to Bill quite confidently in that I don’t want to hurt you but I want to push you away kind of thing, “I don’t want to need you,” (or anybody else for that matter).
Long after the fact I realized the leading was a teaching time lean into God instead of lean into the power of Jen.
Can you relate? Is there a time when you’ve declared your need for NOT needing someone?
Remember how I opened today’s episode? There were 8 of them. But only two of them would even be considered. We wanted a girl. In fact, only a girl would do. And…she needed to be chocolate.
That need, that desire, that specific request of a female chocolate Labrador retriever, that’s what my daughter Jess wanted.
Bill wasn’t opposed to labs per se, but his heart was inclined towards a golden retriever.
So on that day on the teeny tiny Houston balcony, I knew the time was right for bringing a dog into the family…and then…
Our eyes sparkling with delight as we savored the sweetness of giddy new love, I leaned into Bill. My movement, accompanied with giggles, caused the pinot to swish dangerously towards the top of my glass when I said, “Let’s get two!”
Stella, along with her goofy, oversized Golden Retriever brother named Rex, are what blended families would call the “ours babies.” They are the ones we don’t argue over, you know?
In episode #130, I’ll rewind the tape just a bit and revisit a deeply difficult spiritual low that preceded and accompanied that delightful doggo decision. Spoiler alert – I became a stay at home puppy dog mama…jobless, scared, and returning to Missouri, I was having a crisis – an identity crisis.
In every episode of Bold & Blended Stepmoms, the most important question you can ask is this: How does this apply to me?
Listen in for 3 things you must do to survive your identity crisis.
April 2014. Houston Texas. Spring had sprung and my life was in a shambles.
10 weeks before, I had u-hauled a part of my life and headed to Houston. I was so confident! The woman sought after for this role! The great negotiator! You see, I essentially wrote my own ticket in settling my employment terms.
I had left a good job where I achieved many worldly accomplishments and was moving towards one that needed the same type of organizational overhaul I had become known for. Soon I discovered that was the only commonality between the life I left in Missouri and the one I moved to in Texas.
In April 2014 I found myself packing everything up and returning north 900 miles to a life that would look and feel very different than when I had left just weeks before.
Bill was a trooper for sure. He helped me move there...we were a dynamic duo who climbed too many stairs to count, crammed ourselves in between the boxes & furniture on extended elevator rides up & down 10 floors ….
and…Bill helped me move home…
pushing, dragging, and kicking boxes in reverse elevator rides to move out of my newly rented, teeny tiny apartment on the 10th floor of downtown building in Houston.
The prior fall, August 2013, I was officially an empty nester with the youngest of my two girls off to college. When the calendar year flipped, January 4 has me gaining a son-in-law as my oldest married on the coldest, snowiest week of the year with temperatures plummeting before zero and winds gusting.
I was desperately ill days before the wedding – illness is not common for me. I remember telling the doc and her team in a rasping voice devoid of volume, I don’t care what you have to do, but I’m not staying here. My daughter is getting married and I need to get home now!
You know those condescending smiles and glances you get from those who consider themselves in authority over you? Yeah..those. The tension was mostly negated as my teenage nieces who had accompanied me to the ER blew up rubber gloves and floated them about the room.
Take note! All of these transitions are the perfect setup for an identity crisis. When significant life changes occur simultaneously or in a compressed timeline, you can feel lost, unsure, out of control.
These are the questions that screamed in my head and formed the buckets of tears that fell from my eyes:
1. What am I supposed to do now, God?
2. I left one amazing job where I felt secure and earned a hefty income. How will I earn money now?
3. How much money do I have left?
4. What do I tell my children?
5. Am I going to do that ridiculous I see you \ I don’t see you aisle dance in the grocery store when I see friends and people I worked with?
6. What do I say when they ask me, “What happened?”
I had grown up in a church environment, although certainly not a believer. I new about God. I knew of Him. But…I did not understand how knowing him would change me. Jesus was not the center of my life. I did pray and there are many moments where God graciously responded to my prayers and I did have some sweet times with the Lord but they were few and far between. Honestly, I thought checking the box by going to church was the bulk of Christianity; my flesh was loud and proud, sista!
I grew up in a town where drinking was a professional sport and I counted myself among the many who were very, very good at it. There have been plenty of times in my life I looked for answers in a bottle –
You know messages at the bottom of a bottle are empty messages. You can change the label or the flavor, but the message is still the same. “There’s nothing here.”
Becoming a Stepmama can feel a lot like reading that same message: “There’s nothing here.”
That, my sweet sister, is why so many of us experience imposter syndrome or second wife syndrome. In 2014, when I resign-fired, it was as though I were an outsider looking on a surreal experience. Everything I thought I knew about myself came into question. Incredibly confused, scared, and feeling alone, confidence shattered, I needed to learn who I was.
What I discovered was beyond anything I ever knew. 2014 and 2015 were pivotal years for me as I learned to need.
And that, sweet sister is step #1 of 3 things you must do to survive your identity crisis.
#1 – you must learn to need. You cannot take care of you. Only the One who created you can do that. You must practice needing Jesus. To lean into him to lead you. Here’s how:
· Read his Word every day. Yep – even those spaces and places that challenge you. Read them. Ask Holy Spirit to give you discernment.
#2 – Know God’s character. Then, you will know what God says about who you are:
o God is almighty God! He spoke and the world came into being. We serve an awesome, awesome God!
o God’s Word is filled with who you are, in Christ!
o God is the Author of Freedom. Romans 6: 6-7
o God created me in His image. Genesis 1:27
o God's glory and goodness set me free from the corruption in the world. 2 Peter 1:4
o The Holy One anoints me. 1 John 2:20
o Christ calls me to focus on whatever is pure, holy, right, true, praise-worthy, excellent. Philippians 2:5; 4:8
If you want to know more about how God’s power has made you beautifully you, get the full list! Email us at friends at stepfamilypodcast.com and tell us you want to know more about your identity and we will send it to you!
#3 – Worship God
Here’s how:
o Worship the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, with all your might.
o Trust Him. He loves you mightily and he understands how confusing this life transition is. Jesus is enough for you, Sis. When you trust him, he will lead you.
o Worship in community with fellow believers. Yes in your local church, but also in community groups where all things are centered on his truth. You’ll find more about what Jesus says in dealing with a difficult ex or a challenging teenager inside the FB group. Join us there.
o Journal. We think we will remember things…but we don’t. it gives us a space and a place to reflect. To meditate on what God is teaching us through his Word.
Ok loves, here are the 3 to recap what you must do to survive your Stepmama identity crisis:
1. Learn to need. Lean into Jesus by studying his word.
2. Know God’s Character. He is a lavish giver. He is healer. When you learn more about who he is and what God knows you begin to see that he does know all about you! He loves you. He cherishes you!
3. Worship God! He will show you what it means to truly submit to His authority and bless you in the process! God is a God who loves well. He loves thoroughly. In the ways only he can he nurtures, disciplines, invites, redirects, and guides us on our Stepmama adventures.
He wants you to know that his blessings for your marriage are part of the gift of the anointing and the appointing he has gifted to you. He has placed you purposefully in this family for right now.
Ask yourself: Where is God at work right now?
If you’re feeling stuck, you’re not alone. These 3 steps are the first of many to get you back on track and enjoying your blended life. Are you ready for more? Then join us in the FB group to get started. For those of you on the brink of giving up, I exhort you to pray for God’s wisdom. And if you’re willing, I can help. IF you’re ready to stack one small win on top of another and fully reclaim your confidence and control in your blend, hop on the fast track with me and join Stepmama Clarity today.
I dedicate this episode to Stella and Rex, cherished dogs given to us by the One we are called to love. As the verse Bill & I reflected on for our wedding declares, we do indeed love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19
God bless you Stepmama! Be bold and courageous! Be confident in who you are because the one who created you is holy and he calls you to be holy in all you do!
P.S. Remember to email us at friends@stepfamilypodcast.com to get the guide on your identity in Christ! Save yourself a step and join the facebook group! The guide is already in the group! Check out the show notes for the link to join.
I’ll catch you on Saturday for this week’s upcoming Sacred Stepmama Shortie. God bless you!