Episode: 116 \\ When Co-Parenting Fails in Your Stepfamily: Parallel Parenting May Be Your Next Step When Dealing With a Difficult Bio Parent
[00:00:00] So you know how we talk about landmines in blending our families? Well, sometimes when we put a post in the Facebook group, it blows up in a really beautiful way. I know. I know. Landmines don't necessarily leave something beautiful blowing up. So, this is the beauty that comes from the ashes, I suppose.
[00:00:26] And what I mean by that is what happened with this post, we asked women about parallel parenting and co-parenting. and I have to say there is a lot of confusion and a lot of chaos that creates a need for deciding are we moving from one method to another. Did you know that there were two methods? I mean, when I think about co-parenting, I think about my husband and I are doing together, except it doesn't feel like we're in it together all of the time because we have different ways of parenting.
[00:00:59] So when we're talking about co-parenting and parallel parent. It is in the context of what we're doing with the other biological parent. Here is a question I have for you that illustrates how one woman would describe what's happening with their parenting with the biological parent. Is your blended family a fraction broken out this way?
[00:01:22] 92% Bio mom calling the shots and 8% bio dad preventing an all out. So we've got co-parenting and parallel parenting to make a distinction between the two. I'm going to go back to my childhood. Are you ready? Let's do it Now. In the nuclear family sense, I would say my parents co-parented. Would I say that they parented in a unity?
[00:01:49] Not so much as I reflect on it. There were definitely times that I knew, there were a lot of times I knew, when I wanted a certain thing, I would go to dad and when I wanted something different [00:02:00] I would go to mom. This is in a nuclear family where the couple is not necessarily united in their parenting plan.
[00:02:08] So I suppose at some level, my parents were parallel parenting. Well, what's the difference? What's the difference between co-parenting and parallel parenting? Well, you know, you're on bold and blended, so we are talking all things stepfamily. When we are talking about co-parenting and parallel parenting, we are talking about them in the context of our stepfamilies.
[00:02:29] So what is co-parenting? Well, it's two separated or divorced parents sharing the bulk of child rearing responsibility. And this approach provides access to both parents. For the children, the kids are comfortable accessing both parents because the parents are maintaining an equivalent or equal responsibility for the upbringing of their kids.
[00:02:51] That doesn't necessarily mean that they have 50-50 custody, so custody breakout and allocations, those percentages of time are different than what co-parenting is. You can effectively co-parent regardless of the percentages of time that the kids are with you. It really speaks to the biological parents sharing the responsibility and being willing to communicate well with one another for the benefit of the kids.
[00:03:21] Now, as you might guess, and the experience that I have personally and the experience that many of the women I work with have, is that co-parenting is not working, and they're asking the question, is it time to move to parallel parenting? First off, what are the differences? Second identifying some of those things to watch out for, regardless of which method of parenting that you choose.
[00:03:49] This topic is a hot potato for sure, and we all have different ideas about what co-parenting is. The [00:04:00] thing is we're all working towards the same goal. Understanding our calling, the equipping, and the work that God has already prepared in advance for us to do. How do we do that work? How do we implement what we've been equipped to do?
[00:04:15] I am so glad you asked such a great question. So, we're going to be announcing something brand new at the end of the episode. Hey, if you're swiffering or doing the laundry or out for a walk with the dogs or maybe walking the cat, you can check the show notes, click on the links to take advantage of this opportunity.
[00:04:35] We want to hear from you. You do have a voice in the Bold and Blended Stepmom community. Are you ready to get to it? Okay, episode number 116. Let's get started.
- Are you tired of all the double standards for stepmoms?
- Do you find yourself searching for answers on how to deal with imposter syndrome?
- You know you're highly successful in many other areas of your life that as a stepmom, you're anxious and confused?
- Is your biggest fear that your stepfamily battles are slowly destroying intimacy with your husband and impacting every other sacred area of your life?
[00:05:14] Hey, Stepmama. I see you. I know it's hard. I know that you're tired of all those double standards. And that's why this podcast was created with you in mind, so that you can stop focusing on all those things that are dragging you down and start using the power of the gift and the influence that you already have to embrace God's call on you.
[00:05:36] As a stepmom, it's time to stop searching for those divorce lawyers. Instead, it's time to gain wisdom on dealing with difficult in-laws, outlaws and exes, and become an influential voice in your blooded family based on who God says you are. Hey, I'm Jen! Wife, mom, stepmom, Jesus girl, pickleball lover, chief encourager, and new stepmama friend, [00:06:00] and I can't wait to get started.
[00:06:03] It's time to stop playing small and start reclaiming the boldness and the courageousness that God has already given to you. Welcome to the podcast, I pray that this week's episode blesses you, encourages you, uplifts you, and most of all, I pray that you know you are not alone.
[00:06:25] What is co-parenting exactly, and what is parallel parenting? Well, let's start by defining what they are. So parallel parenting, one parent is unwilling or incapable of fostering a long-term relationship. Unwilling. That's just choosing that they have the capability. To come together and decide I will do what is best for the kids.
[00:06:48] And they choose not to that incapable of fostering a long-term relationship has more to do with some sort of disorder, perhaps a borderline personality disorder or something else that is preventing them from being able to foster a long-term relationship. So parallel parent. One parent unwilling or incapable of fostering a long-term relationship where co-parenting is that you're able to foster a long-term relationship with your ex.
[00:07:18] Parallel parenting communication is toxic, emotionally draining, and more about control than really solving anything or doing what's in the best interest of the kids. Co-parenting, there's clear firm rules about communication between the co-parents. Parallel Parenting, changing schedules create decision-fatigue and constant changes which are disruptive for the kids and your home.
[00:07:46] Co-parenting is there mutually agreed upon schedules day-to-day and there's communication that clear firm rule about how the parents are gonna communicate with one another. There's a method for making a change, but [00:08:00] there's also mutual respect that we're not changing things up a lot because we know the stability is good for the kids.
[00:08:06] In parallel parenting, parenting methods, are distinctly opposed to one another. There are different values, beliefs, and boundaries that are evident in each home and in co-parenting. The parenting methods and the boundaries, they're similar. For example, when your child reaches driving age, this is usually a big stumbling block for people because when the kids are little and you're creating a parenting plan, you don't think about when they're gonna get their driver's license as far as which cars are they gonna be allowed to drive, and who's going to pay for the insurance, and what are we going to allow them to do with the car?
[00:08:45] Is it only for school? Is it for school and work? Is it, what is it for? Those conversations don't happen. So, in parallel parenting, there's a lot of friction and a lot of fighting over what those kids are allowed to do. And in co-parenting, the parenting method, those boundaries for providing that opportunity for the kids to drive, those are decided together even if they don't happen when the kids are little and you're not thinking about it in the court order.
[00:09:14] This goes back to the idea behind co-parent. Fostering that long-term relationship that as things change and people change, the basic framework that you have for making a decision is still present because you're in it for the long haul to make the best decisions for the kids. So again, the differences between parallel parenting and co-parenting are distinct.
[00:09:39] Okay. Parallel parenting check-ins sound so collaborative, like let's check in with one another to make sure we're good to go here. But toxicity, grudges and narcissism and resentment are the motivators for checking. And it's very different from co-parenting with the kids best at the forefront, additional [00:10:00] check-ins could be scheduled with the kids, where both parents sit down with the kid and have a conversation about, Hey, you know, we moved to a new house, or got a new job, or You're going to high school now, so we know there are some changes.
[00:10:13] What kind of things do you need? In a long-term effective co-parenting situation, the parents and the kids can have these scheduled check-ins. But if you're parallel parenting those check-ins, you do that separately in your own home because the inherent conflict prevents collaboration with a difficult co-parent.
[00:10:34] So I alluded to this earlier with parenting methods, but in co-parenting firm boundaries for parenting and communicating with the other co-parent are present. And in parallel parenting, the focus on the boundaries within your home and the mutually agreed upon methods that you have with your spouse.
[00:10:52] That's what's going on regarding the boundaries. And here's the real hard truth. A lot of times we don't agree that we do not co-parent the same in our own house. That's a topic for another episode because right here, what we're talking about today is really dealing with whether or not we can co-parent or parallel parent the kids, and then what happens in our homes as far as once that decision is made, then that's an additional complexity that's added to parenting.
[00:11:25] When you are parallel parenting, you don't have the same boundaries or the same ideas about right and wrong as the other. You are working on what's going to happen in your own home. It can be exhausting because in parallel parenting, there's a lot of documentation. People use apps to communicate with each other.
[00:11:46] People record conversations, people take pictures of text messages. Let's just be honest here, I was one of those people. It's like, oh my gosh, I need to document everything because I the truth. You get gaslit and [00:12:00] you wonder what is the. So documenting, it's exhausting, but feels so necessary. It's time consuming, and it usually falls on the stepmom to do the documenting, and that can often perpetuate growing resentment.
[00:12:14] Whereas in co-parenting, trust is present, so the other parent is given the benefit of the doubt, even when something happens that the other parent may not agree. There's a willingness to listen to, Hey, what? What happened here? Because this is not the norm. There's definitely trust and there's no need for excessive documentation because you are working together.
[00:12:39] In parallel parenting, there are loyalty challenges, whereas in co-parenting, respect is promoted in both homes. In parallel parenting, there's a usurping others' authority and alien. Those are common things that people are dealing with and one of the reasons why they've chosen to parallel parent co-parenting can reduce the anxiety associated with decisions in both homes because you're working together again, consistently to say, together we've decided these are the values that we want to teach our children, even though they're living in separate homes, whereas in parallel parenting anxiety levels are through the rooftop.
[00:13:23] Okay, so where are you? This is only the beginning of the conversation asking these questions. Are you co-parenting? Okay, so are you co-parenting with your husband and his ex? Are you co-parenting with your ex? Are you parallel parenting with one and co-parenting with another? What are the differences? And there's much that goes into deciding what is the next best.
[00:13:51] In our last team meeting and a phone call before the final production of today's episode, Mikaela and I were talking about creating [00:14:00] opportunities for you to bring your voice to the table to come up with solutions that work for you. Here's what we came up with. We came up with a Stepmama Think Tank.
[00:14:14] What do you think about the think tank? I absolutely love the idea clearly because here I am sharing it with you. Are you interested in having a conversation about co-parenting and parallel parenting? We'll test the idea to see how it works for us to come together virtually. Here's what we have in mind.
[00:14:35] Okay. 90 minutes. Come in the virtual space and let's have a conversation about your next best steps.
- Do you need assurance that the method that you're currently using is the right one for the time of life that you're in?
- Are you interested in learning more about the differences between co-parenting and parallel parenting?
[00:14:58] Then this is just right for you. I hope you say yes. Check out the show notes. Click on the link, https://www.stepfamilypodcast.com/think
Stepfamily podcast dot com, forward slash think. T H I N K. I hope you say yes. Hey, I bet you know there's someone else who's struggling with parenting in their blended family and wondering what is the right way to do this.
[00:15:26] The thing is the right way looks different for each one of us. Yet we do want some assurance and affirmation that we're on the right track. So please share today's episode so they know they are not alone. And who knows, they may be just the voice we're looking for in new Stepmom Think Tank. Hey, I will catch you on Saturday with the latest release of the Sacred
[00:15:50] Stepmama Shortie. Until then, be bold and courageous, Woman of God. God bless you!